my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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