if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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