I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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