K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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