All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
