I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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