Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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