He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
