my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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