I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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