Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
