Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
that is very illegal...i love you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
