There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
