I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
