Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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