already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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