do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
