I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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