i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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