Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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