Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
