fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
