Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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