eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
