cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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