She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
