After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize