hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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