so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
