he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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