paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think my vagina is haunted
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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