Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
