im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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