Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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