You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Randomize