GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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