I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
