Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
