the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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