I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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