I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
