guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
