I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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