if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
