I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
