I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm like, not good at living.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
