How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
