Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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