New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
