I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
