I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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