I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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