She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
