Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Michael Bay diarrhea
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
