Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
