after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize