nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize