Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
