It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
whose parrot is this?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
