Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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