I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
