I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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