YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
