I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
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